Take this Tim Horton Quiz and Find Out For Sure.

Question #1 Do you patronize Tim Horton’s Donuts?  Yes?  No?

If your answer is yes, then you are stupid.  Now I’m really not the one who thinks that you’re stupid.  I suspect  you just enjoy the coffee there, as I did.  The Tim Horton Management sees you as stupid.

The events behind this post started three days ago, when I went to a Tim Horton drive through.  I ordered a large coffee to refill my mug ($1.60 after tax), but I was tempted to a chicken salad wrap ($1.70 before tax).  But wait!  They have a special deal for two wraps – ($2.40 for two) and I ask for that.

“That will be $5.17.”  The speaker crackles.

“Hold on.”  My mental calculator returns an error message.  “$5.17 is about a dollar too high?”

At the window, I briefly explained the simple math that showed the $5.17 price was not correct.  Tax is 5%, not 25+%.  They rang it through the til again and the same wrong amount came up again.  “You’ll have to take it up with the manager.”  I paid and continued through.

But now I had the receipt and the reason for the mistake became obvious – (or so I thought) – The two wraps were each entered as their single price of $1.70 for a total of $3.40.  I took this into the store.

“The price is $3.39 for two.”  The Tim Horton’s store manager curtly refuted.  And she pointed up to the inside menu board.

“But I never come into the store and the sign outside reads 2 for 2.40″.

“No it doesn’t!”  She snapped back.

“Yes it does.  Shall we both go out and look at it together?” As we walked around the building, I also mentioned how the $3.39 price seemed a bit insulting to customers.  “Why would someone splurge for two wraps, when they are only saving a single penny?”

"2/ 2.40 doesn't mean you get two for $2.40"

“Where it says 2/ 2.40 doesn’t mean you get two for $2.40!”  The manager made a bizarre statement after seeing that the customer WAS actually right this time.  The lettering format was identical to the board inside and just the amount was different.

“Then pardon me, but then what does that actually mean?”

“I’ll give you the wraps for $2.40 – This time!”  Since the manager was stuck for any logical reply, she very grudgingly relented slightly.

But this was too little and too late.  I had already been bluntly told I was wrong, when I was right.  And also rudely spoken to.  At this point, a manager with any customer service skill should have offered a token courtesy card like maybe $5, along with a simple apology and a ‘thank you for bringing the sign discrepancy to our attention’.  But this is Tim Horton’s and they know that we are all stupid.

I’ll interject a joke here, because I like it and it fits.  A genius went into a pub and found that the bartender was a robot.  ‘What can I get you?’ the mechanical bartender asked. “And may I inquire as to your IQ?’

‘My IQ is rather high.’  The genius mentioned the three digit number and then was impressed when the robot carried on an intelligent conversation on topics that included; nuclear physics, the classical arts and the philosophy of Plato.  The genius finished his drink and left, but on his way out he wondered – ‘What would’ve happened if my IQ was lower?’

The genius raked his hair to put his part on the other side and turned up his collar as a mild disguise.  He went inside again and this time he told of a somewhat lower IQ.  This time the talk was of; the girls in the latest Maxim magazine, fishing and NHL Hockey.  The genius left the bar but decided to try it again.

He put his jacket on inside out, unzipped his fly and tied his shoelaces into knots. ‘My IQ is only 7.’  The genius lied and the robot replied in a very slow voice.  ‘So – will – you – be – cheering – for – the – Maple – Leafs – again – this – year?’

Ironically, the Tim Horton who co-founded the Tim Horton chain played hockey for the Toronto Maple Leafs and he wore a jersey with the number seven.  So perhaps in keeping with the originating philosophy, Tim Horton’s wants to appeal to stupid Maple Leaf fans and so they treat all people as if each IQ matches the co-founder’s jersey number.

But let’s get back to my story.  I opened my computer and I placed a complaint on the corporate web site.  Then over the next day, I took calls from three different levels of Tim Horton customer service and management.  All of these damage control people agreed with me that the store manager had handled the situation poorly.  And in the end, they had managed to ‘un-ruffle my feathers’ and the situation was, for my mind, fully resolved.  Yes, I was still out the $1.03 difference between what I paid and what I should have paid, but I really didn’t care about that anyways.

Then the next day, the last executive I had talked to, from the local Tim Horton ownership level, called me back again.  ‘We would like to give you a complementary card.’ (This should have probably been offered yesterday, and her chat with regional management over the issue likely showed her oversight.)  We then arranged where I would go to collect it.

When I went to the pre-arranged store (not the same location where the problem originated), I first had to stand in line for five minutes before I could even ask for the manager, who didn’t know anything about it, and so had to call the head office.  Finally, she issued the courtesy card – OF FIVE MEASLY DOLLARS!

I phoned the woman who offered it back and bluntly told her that the $5 was an insult.  That tiny amount would have been ideal at the location when the incident started, but after having a half hour of my time wasted in an assortment of phone calls, and then another fifteen minutes blown picking up the insulting card, $10, $15, or even dare I say $20 would’ve been appropriate.  And the skin flint amount showed where the TRUE problem had really originated.  A Tim Horton franchise owner is penny-gripping cheap and they impress a cost-cutting philosophy, even at the expense of  customer service.

Then I finished my verbal and written rant with another input to Tim Horton’s web site, where I promised to give my insulting $5 card to the smelliest and most offensive wino or crack addict that I could find, so that Tim Horton’s in-store customers and staff could enjoy the fruits of the owner’s skin flint nature.

Maybe the location manager was surly because even the $1.05 price difference exceeded the amount that she was authorized to rebate.  Only the 5-store owner’s personal flunky had a big enough public-relations spending crowbar to pry a five-dollar bill from a tight-fisted owner’s fat wallet.

But I entitled this post with ‘Try the Tim Horton Stupid Quiz’ and an insulting five dollars demonstrates the management/owner foolishness, but it really doesn’t cover the major stupid factor.  That daftness was in my story but maybe you didn’t pick up on it.  Just how stupid is a discount of ONE PENNY? The five dollar card was insulting to me but every Tim Horton customer should feel their intelligence has been insulted by the condescending price of menu items in multiples.

There is just one skinny penny difference between two single items and the package deal of two.  Is this one lone cent sufficient to convince a moderately intelligent person to get the extra?  Or is the sleazy Tim Horton management just banking on a belief that most people are too stupid, or lazy, to do the mental math and figure out what they are saving.  And to top it off, the stupid customers won’t always actually get that penny, because the procedure at the till is to ring in two singles, and then to punch an extra button to apply the whopping .01 of a dollar discount.  Is a busy cashier most likely to miss that final step?

Cha-Ching Cha-Ching! More pennies into the owner’s concertina wire protected, cast-iron piggy-bank.

“What can I do to protest?”

I’m glad you asked (even though it was me asking for you).  I suggest that when you drive through at a Tim Horton, you should order your drink and ask for the special ‘two’ deal of whatever food item you want.  But when you arrive at the window, you correct your order.  “After ordering I noticed that the second in the deal is only 1 tiny cent difference from the full price.  That 1 penny is not enough to entice me to buy, so I’ll cancel my request for it.”  – But the item is already prepared and now they have to throw it in the garbage.  And when/if the stack of wasted food cost piles up in the trash, maybe Tim Horton owners and managers will slowly realize that they are only ones who are TRULY ignorant!