A.S.M.

Set a Spell and I’ll tell you about a Witch.

I had a witch in my car yesterday. No, this wasn’t just a girl trying out her Halloween costume early. This woman was an actual witch. It’s funny what topics one can get into while in a taxi. We has sat for a spell at a red light and I said in jest that I ‘wished I had the magical power to turn signals to green’. That’s when she confessed to being a witch: one couldn’t have known it from her stylish clothing.

‘Can you,’ I asked the lady who looked more like a lawyer b*tch than a jilted witch, ‘ zip your broomstick over to push the pedestrian walk button?’  She laughed and then we chatted about witches and witchcraft.

“Can you put a spell on my meter to make it run faster?”  I asked.

“That’s a mechanical thing,”  The witch replied.  “You probably just need a screwdriver instead of a witchcraft spell.  I could make you a charm that causes passengers to give you better tips though.”

“Bylaw enforcement would burn me at the stake if I monkey with the meter mechanism.”

“My ex-boyfriend was a policeman.”  She mused.  “I caught him monkeying around with another girl.”

“Did you put a jinx on his monkey business?”

“That’s putting it mildly.”  The uptown-class witch laughed wickedly.

I really tried hard to get the urban witch to tell me what witchcraft spell she actually put onto her ex-boyfriend but she wouldn’t confess it to me.  However, some of the things that she did tell me were impressive.  Then when we got to where the witch was going, I found myself offering the cab ride as free in return for the magic charm she offered regarding extra gratuities.  She must have put a super effective spell on me for that – I don’t give many freebies.

So we’ll see what turns out.  I’ll let you know.  If you have a yearning for some learning about witchcraft, I’ve found a link for you.  Old Witchcraft Spells!  I wonder if I’ll hear a rumor about an ex-boyfriend local cop having come down with a nasty case of genital warts.

When driving a taxi in a money town, you see the difference between those and actual communities.  By a money town, I mean where there has been explosive growth due to economic activity and where those who have moved in vastly outnumber those people who were born there.  I don’t blame the new-comers for all the problems because the long-time residents play their part in the money stupidity too.

My time is worth more than yours is! – This money town attitude presents itself in bank lines, busy restaurants, parking lots and in traffic.  I’ve personally watched as many near collisions at the entrance to coffee drive-through line-up, as I have at intersections.  My time is worth more than yours, so I have to get my vehicle in front of yours.  On the streets my time is also worth much more than yours is: therefore I can’t let you merge into my traffic lane in front of me.  I see this attitude all day long and it isn’t just aimed at taxicabs.  Actually, it isn’t effective against a taxi because I’ll get into the gap between your front bumper and the car in front of you – whether the space is big enough or not.

Maverick Money’s NEW cell phone system is the BOMB!

It takes more than Money

If you need help, go to the bikers: only go to the police if you want to buy drugs. The street drug and property crimes in a money town are porportionally larger than in established cities.  The pay checks the workers get are larger than they are used to where they used to live.  That leaves more money for attractive items to show off in vehicles and plenty for recreational drugs.  However, the pay scale for the police officers is the same as the national averages.  So for policemen to benefit from being in the money town, where things are also more expensive, they need to supplement their inclomes with graft money and shakedowns.   “I had a small bag of weed and $300 in my possession when the police frisked me for no reason.  They took the drugs and the money but didn’t charge me.  Had they arrested me, they would’ve had to turn in the booty for evidence.”  (That was not me speaking: I don’t do drugs and seldom have that much cash.)

Here are some politically correct expressions to cover otherwise awkward moments.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT GIRLFRIEND AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a ‘BABE’ or a ‘CHICK’- She is a ‘BREASTED AMERICAN.’

2. She is not a ‘SCREAMER’ or a ‘MOANER’- She is ‘VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.’

3. She is not ‘EASY’ – She is ‘HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.’

4. She is not a ‘DUMB BLONDE’ – She is a ‘LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.’

5. She has not ‘BEEN AROUND’- She is a ‘PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.’

6. She is not an ‘AIRHEAD’ – She is ‘REALITYIMPAIRED.’

7. She does not get ‘DRUNK’ or ‘TIPSY’- She gets ‘CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.’

8. She does not have ‘BREAST IMPLANTS’ – She is ‘MEDICALLY ENHANCED.’

9. She does not ‘NAG’ you – She becomes ‘VERBALLY REPETITIVE.’

10. She is not a ‘TRAMP’ – She is ‘SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.’

11. She does not have ‘MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS’ – She is ‘PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.’

12. She is not a ‘TWO-BIT HOOKER’ – She is a ‘LOW COST PROVIDER.’

Does dehydrated water exist or is dehydrated water a hoax? Here is the dehydrated water proof. There is a company that cans the dehydrated water. However, I’ll save you the water proof packaging costs and ship the dehydrated water to you as is.

Pay a little and get a little, pay a lot and get a lot.

(Your donation does actually go to a good cause.)

What is dehydrated water anyways?  What would happen to dehydrated water if it’s exposed to rain?  Or is dehydrated water actually water proof.  Unfortunately, the science behind dehydrated water has never been declassified for the general public to read about.  I personally suppose that if one filled their bathtub with dehydrated water, that bathing would send the bather into the dehydrated dimension, where they might turn to dust and run down the drain instead of the dirt.  It you have any knowledge on the subject of dehydrated water, please put it into a comment here.

Is this an actual whale fart?

Gross as this is, my internet research brings me to agree that whales do fart.  The ‘fecal plume’ of a whale is reportedly extremely stinky!  No, the picture here is not of an actual whale fart.  It is a representation of what an exceptionally large sperm whale would emit after a beer binge.

This picture is similar to what a guy I knew did in a crowed hot tub.  He wasn’t as big as a whale but he had a gastrointestinal problem.

This humorous tweet is by punsomsaard.  Feel free to retweet.

Build up your twitter following by mixing in some small humorous tweets.  These posts at asm.dsiex.org are refreshed often and you’re free to retweet each as often as you want.  If you intend to bookmark and be a regular retweeter, let me know and we will include your site in ASM’s blogroll.